Monday, 26 August 2013

Charles Bukowski's Top Ten Rules for Canadian Writers, after Elmore Leonard

"Canadians are beer shits"--Charles Bukowski

1 Don't be so fkin ass lame, you lame asses.
2 Stop being second-rate jerk-offs, you jerk-offs.
3 If there is a choice between being mediocre and being good then please choose the latter, you maple-syrup-thick assholes of mediocrity.
4 Try to avoid sucking so much shit, you dick-faced shit-suckers.
5 Aim for the "I can write" effect rather than the "I can suck shit" effect, you puss-buckets who suck shit.
6 Less I-suck-shit-at-writing, you shit-sucking fucks.
7 As a gift to your readers, please stop eating sandwiches of shit in your writing, you nation of stanky shit-sandwich-eating dogs' testicles.
8 Quit being poopy in your poop writing, you poop-breathed colonial cankers.
9 Just totally stop sucking so many Slurpees of shit called Shitpees which is your writing, you shit-suckers.
10 No more historical fiction, you nostalgic fucking suck-asses.
Bonus No more Ondaatje, either. Assholes.

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