Sunday, 22 December 2013

Announcing 7 New International Poetry Prize Competitions of Winning!

Legitimate Awards for Literary Excellencing in the Poetry Sciences:

Billyballsmalonybalony International Poetry Showdown (First Prize = €10,000)

Award for Most Awkward Poet Publicking Social Performance (Sponsored by Your Momma)

Golden Wreaths of Silver Clouds in Your Hair Free-Verse Extravaganza (First Prize = a hardy backslap)

The SUR Prize (No Cash Value)

Global Achievement of Living English Stanzing ($50,000 prize for one one-word poem)

Competition for the Superlatively Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor (First Prize = $50 Voucher to Earl's Restaurant)

The Peepeepoopoo Prize (Anonymous peer-review competition: First Place = Lifetime's Supply of Charmin)

Whinging Award (Exclusive to Hallmark® Employees)

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Poetry Discovered on the Dark Sides of Keith Moon

the recently discovered very alive Keith Moon, working as a wax salesperson

"I hope L die befove I go told" — Moon's first attempt at a tattoo poem

classic "Mire Generation" dodgy-style angel parody ankle vispoe

always enigmatically avant, his Dorian Gray:
note the dissonance between image & caption: "THERE IS A"

another dynamic vispoe as homage to Len Wein's oeuvre,
with, of course, allusions to Blake's "Songs of Innocence"

his motto, "never enough Keiths," hidden within the lines & shadows
of this classic piece found on his unusually large sole

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Ron Silliman's Recently Deceived


Partner (totally said "yes, I did take out the garbage" but I totally didn't)

Bookstore cashier (totally got an employee discount by using my friend's card)

Some kid (totally said "hey, what's that over there?" and then I totally took the kid's candy bar)


Sparky (totally pretended we were out of puppy treats by saying "sorry, boy, no more puppy treats" when in fact we had totally like two or three puppy treats left)

"the Cheerio was this big, aight?"

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Davey and Robs: the Guy Show

CBC announced its new reality TV show today: Davey and Robs: the Guy Show. The program will follow two Toronto roommates, David Gilmour and Rob Ford, as they go about their respective days "just being guys" and "looking for work" and "watching daytime soaps."

"Bound to be a hit--please watch it"--Robs
"It'll be as good as Proust--don't touch that dial"--Davey

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Opening Line of Beowulf Has Been Misinterpreted for 200 Years

It is perhaps the most important word in one of the greatest and most famous sentences in the history of the English language.

Yet for more than two centuries “hwæt” has been misrepresented as an attention-grabbing latter-day “yo!” designed to capture the interest of its intended Anglo-Saxon audience urging them to sit down and listen up to the exploits of the heroic monster-slayer Beowulf.

According to an academic at the University of Manchester, however, the accepted definition of the opening line of the epic poem – including the most recent translation by the late Seamus Heaney – has been subtly wide of the mark.

In a new paper due to be published this month Dr George Walkden argues that the use of the interrogative pronoun “hwæt” (rhymes with cat) means the first line is not a standalone command but informs the wider exclamatory nature of the sentence which was written by an unknown poet between 1,200 and 1,300 years ago.

According to the historical linguist, rather than reading: “Listen! We have heard of the might of the kings” the Old English of “Hwæt! We Gar-Dena in gear-dagum, þeod-cyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon!” should instead be understood as: “Doh!”

Dr Walkden said his conclusion – based on the positioning of the word relative to the verb within 141 other clauses studied and was inspired directly by his fondness for the hit American comedy series The Simpsons– would put him at odds with the conventional wisdom on the subject.

“I’d like to say that the interpretation I have put forward should be taken into a count by future translations and I'd also like to say 'don't have a cow, man' just also in order to make a joke to amuse you with laughter but in the end I am quite serious about this as befits a professor of Old English such as myself,” he said.

The new translation could also cast light on those that might have been listening in the flickering light of the ancient campfires to the daring tale.

“It shows that perhaps the Anglo-Saxon audiences were better behaved than we thought because it doesn’t say `Oi you, listen to this!’” Perhaps they were more emotive and perhaps they also had television,” he added.

The confusion is believed to date back to Jakob Grimm, one of the Grimm Brothers, who wrote in 1837 that “hwæt” was a “pure interjection”.

Since then it has variously been translated as “What ho!” “Hear me!” “Attend!” “Indeed!” and more recently “Baby!” by Joey Trivianni in 2000.


Monday, 28 October 2013

The Uplifting Family Photographs of the Bronte Family (with Commentaries)

"Dad snapped this one at the Toronto Maple Leafs' game--Sittler had just scored and we were cheering our lungs out, as you can see"--Charlotte

"I think Dad took this photo while we were on the merry-go-round. We're nearly hysterical with joy, as you can plainly see"--Emily

"I'm pretty sure Dad's the photographer here. Oh, gosh, we'd just won the Lotto and are going mad with happiness, as you can obviously see. What a joy-filled day of smiles that was"--Anne

"Dad captured my sisters here enjoying a gut-splitting joke whilst suntanning in Miami--such lyrical and insouciant days, those of our youth, as you can clearly see here"--Branwell

Monday, 21 October 2013

John Travolta's New Book of Poems Entitled JOHN TRAVOLTA Staying Fit: the Poems

Staying Fit: the Poems--Published by FSG

GP: Your new book of poems is entitled Staying Fit.

JT: Actually, the book is called JOHN TRAVOLTA Staying Fit: the Poems. Yes.

GP: Who, in your opinion, is the fittest, most buff poet who ever lived?

JT: I'd say TS Eliot.

TSE--doing a set of "pronated cane-press-downs"

GP: How would you describe the poems of Staying Fit.

JT: I've been asked that many times--conceptual-physical, I guess.

GP: Last night, at your reading, an audience member asked you to read your poem "Modern Dance is Macho" in the character of Vinny Barbarino but you refused--why?

JT: Here's a line from one of Angie Dickinson's poems, "Freeze, buster, you're under arrest--by poetry." Look, this is poetry we're talking about and I take it seriously and I want the audience to take it seriously, too.

GP: What is your definition of poetry?

JT: I like what Barry Gibb said, "Poetry is the disco ball of the arts."

GP:What are your hopes for this unusual book Staying Alive?

JT: Why would you say "unusual"?

 GP: Well, in part, because you appear on the cover in your tight workout clothes. That's not usual.

JT: Are you familiar with Suzanne Somers' book Fast & Easy?

SS' Fast & Easy--published by Knopf

GP: Thank you.

JT: Thunks.

JT performing "Metonymy"