Monday, 28 October 2013

The Uplifting Family Photographs of the Bronte Family (with Commentaries)

"Dad snapped this one at the Toronto Maple Leafs' game--Sittler had just scored and we were cheering our lungs out, as you can see"--Charlotte

"I think Dad took this photo while we were on the merry-go-round. We're nearly hysterical with joy, as you can plainly see"--Emily

"I'm pretty sure Dad's the photographer here. Oh, gosh, we'd just won the Lotto and are going mad with happiness, as you can obviously see. What a joy-filled day of smiles that was"--Anne

"Dad captured my sisters here enjoying a gut-splitting joke whilst suntanning in Miami--such lyrical and insouciant days, those of our youth, as you can clearly see here"--Branwell

Monday, 21 October 2013

John Travolta's New Book of Poems Entitled JOHN TRAVOLTA Staying Fit: the Poems

Staying Fit: the Poems--Published by FSG

GP: Your new book of poems is entitled Staying Fit.

JT: Actually, the book is called JOHN TRAVOLTA Staying Fit: the Poems. Yes.

GP: Who, in your opinion, is the fittest, most buff poet who ever lived?

JT: I'd say TS Eliot.

TSE--doing a set of "pronated cane-press-downs"

GP: How would you describe the poems of Staying Fit.

JT: I've been asked that many times--conceptual-physical, I guess.

GP: Last night, at your reading, an audience member asked you to read your poem "Modern Dance is Macho" in the character of Vinny Barbarino but you refused--why?

JT: Here's a line from one of Angie Dickinson's poems, "Freeze, buster, you're under arrest--by poetry." Look, this is poetry we're talking about and I take it seriously and I want the audience to take it seriously, too.

GP: What is your definition of poetry?

JT: I like what Barry Gibb said, "Poetry is the disco ball of the arts."

GP:What are your hopes for this unusual book Staying Alive?

JT: Why would you say "unusual"?

 GP: Well, in part, because you appear on the cover in your tight workout clothes. That's not usual.

JT: Are you familiar with Suzanne Somers' book Fast & Easy?

SS' Fast & Easy--published by Knopf

GP: Thank you.

JT: Thunks.

JT performing "Metonymy"

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Chris Hadfield's Brother, Douggy, Wins Nobel Prize in Literature

The Swedish Academy announced this morning that Douggy Hadfield, a little-known self-published science fiction writer, and brother of world-famous astronaut Commander Chris Hadfield, has won the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature.

Douggy Hadfield is best known for a linked-cycle of 25 novels (entitled The Evil Commander Series) and is currently working on a new screenplay tentatively entitled Don't Trust the Commander He's Actually Not that Great or Talented. Douggy Hadfield's The Evil Commander Series novels all explore the 23rd Century misadventures of a corrupt, cruel, and self-absorbed space shuttle commander named Kris Hatfield. Kris Hatfield is constantly being either exposed or out-witted by his highly ethical, good-looking, but unlucky brother named Douglas Hadfield. "I publish these stories to help change the world," said Douggy Hadfield. "And also to broach universal issues such as if one person is very popular and wealthy and handsome and another person who just happens to be that person's brother is not very popular or wealthy or handsome then my novels will all explore why the less well-known person's brother is actually very attractive and in the end far more talented than the other guy."

As the 2013 Nobel Laureate, Douggy Hadfield now joins rather exalted literary company including Samuel Beckett, Mo Yan and Seamus Heaney. "It is really gratifying to win this and I wonder what my brother is thinking right now because this award is something huge and he hasn't won it and I definitely have," said Douggy Hadfield. When asked what he'd do with the million dollar reward, Douggy Hadfield said "Well, I'd like to buy the space shuttle because I am actually very wealthy now--more wealthy than your average astronaut even--and am quite interested in space-related matters and I think I'd do a pretty great job up there in space--maybe even a bit better than some people."

Douggy Hadfield, in his basement, working on the Evil Commander Series.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

New NHL Rule Punishes Fighting with Poetry

The NHL announced today its new "poetry" rule that will penalize fighting with a "five minute major penalty that will also entail the offending player, while waiting in the penalty box, reading Canadian poetry aloud." The new ruling has been met with outrage by both the NHLPA and management.

"This is an extreme ruling--and it's totally frightening," said Leafs' enforcer Colton Orr. "The five minute major is one thing but the poetry reading stuff is utterly draconian. I just peed my jock. Jeez--why don't they just have us walk over broken glass or swing hammers at our kneecaps instead?"

"Visors are one think," said Don Cherry during Coach's Corner last night, "but poetry is another think. It's not right and it feels European."

Despite the deep and obvious unpopularity of the new rule, it has managed to remove--in a single day--fighting from hockey. "No one wants to read Canadian poetry," said Leafs Head Coach Randy Carlyle. "This rule is completely vicious."

"Please take the Canadian poetry away--I promise never to fight again"--Colton Orr