Monday, 26 August 2013

Charles Bukowski's Top Ten Rules for Canadian Writers, after Elmore Leonard

"Canadians are beer shits"--Charles Bukowski

1 Don't be so fkin ass lame, you lame asses.
2 Stop being second-rate jerk-offs, you jerk-offs.
3 If there is a choice between being mediocre and being good then please choose the latter, you maple-syrup-thick assholes of mediocrity.
4 Try to avoid sucking so much shit, you dick-faced shit-suckers.
5 Aim for the "I can write" effect rather than the "I can suck shit" effect, you puss-buckets who suck shit.
6 Less I-suck-shit-at-writing, you shit-sucking fucks.
7 As a gift to your readers, please stop eating sandwiches of shit in your writing, you nation of stanky shit-sandwich-eating dogs' testicles.
8 Quit being poopy in your poop writing, you poop-breathed colonial cankers.
9 Just totally stop sucking so many Slurpees of shit called Shitpees which is your writing, you shit-suckers.
10 No more historical fiction, you nostalgic fucking suck-asses.
Bonus No more Ondaatje, either. Assholes.

Friday, 23 August 2013

GP's Ongoing Series of Signature-Canadian-Figure-Skater-Moves-We-Wish-More-Poets-Would-Try-On-Stage

Here Brian Orser is "shazaaming." Why don't you try it?

Here Elvis Stojko is "greeting the ghost." A good closer for your elegy.

Here Elizabeth Manley is "skooching." Try this sweet move between poems--it's easy and effective.

Here Salé and Pelletier are "flaming the rooster." Invite up an audience member for this classic--be interactive.

Here Kurt Browning is "smacking the money-maker." Close your reading with style--and a sprig of sass.

Again--GP encourages all poets to adopt one, two, or all of these timeless performance gestures. Please.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Sunday, 18 August 2013

GP's Ongoing Series of "If Famous Canadian Authors Were Actually Famous American Actors"

"Don't cha even kaaaaya?!"--Ondaatje in Justice for All
"You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me."--Pacino from "The Cinnamon Peeler's Wife"

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

New Matt LeBlanc poetry collection sure to please!

We praise the timeless bravado of this television and film icon's legacy of daring performance-based oeuvre of continued and courageous post-avant-pre-garde legacies! Thank you, Matt!

NBC's bowdlerization of my Joey spinoff poems wasn't my fault!


There are no dinosaurs but man suffers still more.     Morning, roaring     tiger of trying to keep. In the engine silo,     there are no dinosaurs     of pain that are hurried     enough: I boned Rachel!


See the black bird in that tree trying out the branches, puzzled. I am up there with you puzzled against the rain blinking my FRIENDS REUNION SPECIAL, please!


Break it all down! We're too mesmerized to break from this vampire, Dave Schwimmer.


When I button my fly I button it wrong and I laugh. My crotch looks lopsided...
how YOOO doin?


The ghost of Spring has reappeared, clearing my throat of winter and NBC I make the first move
into timeless obscurity


What a beautiful storm! Infinite thunder! Wishing to be home No wonder...
All this sex is making

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Emily Dickinson Be Viral: A Brief Interview

G'Morning Poetry: When did you be viral?

Emily Dickinson: I be viral for a long time.

GP: How come you say "I be viral"? We mean, why is your grammar all "be viral" like that? 

ED: I did the "be viral" thing in my answer cos you asked "When did you be viral?"

GP: How do you get be viral?

ED: You get be viral in this day and age by looking one way on a photograph and then adding an unexpected word at the bottom of it. Here's an example:


GP: That is very be viral?

ED: That's what it be.

GP: What is poetry?

ED: Ice; guillotine; meme; peroxide; radio silence; dust.