Friday, 27 September 2013

Oprah Winfrey Confesses to Being a Sadistic Book Hater

"Yes, I admit, sometimes I would punch a book's face."
"Yes, that's true, I would also slap certain books."
"Sometimes, yes, I would do the 'happy slap' so that audiences would think it was all in good fun--but it wasn't... it was all in MEAN and SADISTIC fun."
"Often I would whisper 'hey, book, you stink--get away from me' thereby making the book feel very bad--which I liked."
"This is the "armpit-procedure." I could be so cruel.
"Here I'm pretending to be engaged with Ayana's wit but really I'm just trying to crush this fkin book. I confess."

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Edugyan, Atwood, and Lethem Nominate Themselves for a Giller--with One Surprise Addition

Scotiabank Giller Prize 2013 Announces its Longlist

16 Sep 2013
September 16, 2013 (Vancouver, BC) – The Scotiabank Giller Prize today announced its longlist for this year’s award from the University of British Columbia’s famed Museum of Anthropology. The event was co-hosted by UBC’s Creative Writing Program and the Vancouver Writers Fest (VWF).
Twenty thirteen marks the 20th anniversary of the Giller Prize and the 50th anniversary of UBC’s distinguished Creative Writing Program.
Author and 2013 Giller juror Esi Edugyan was at the event to present the 13 titles that were chosen from a field of 147 books, submitted by 61 publishers from every region of the country. 
Edugyan’s fellow jurors this year are Canadian writer Margaret Atwood and American author Jonathan Lethem.
The longlist for the 20th anniversary of the Scotiabank Giller Prize is:
  • Margaret Atwood for her novel Cat's Eye, published by HarperCollins Canada
  • Jonathan Lethem for his novel Chronic City, published by Hamish Hamilton Canada
  • Esi Edugyan for her novel The Second Life of Samuel Tyne, published by House of Anansi Press
  • Bob Seger for his Greatest Hits collection 
Of the longlist, the jury writes:
“These are essential stories. Each of these novels and Greatest Hits offer a glimpse of who we are, who we might be. Each of these works took us out of ourselves to places that were at times uncomfortable, at times exhilarating. All of these works of art surprised us with their formal rigour, the ferocity of their vision, and their willingness to tell unknown stories in  remarkably familiar ways. These  books remind us, once again, of that particular beauty only the written word and Bob Seger's voice can realize. This is art at its finest.”

The Giller Prize will present its shortlist at a special event in Toronto on October 8th. The winner will be announced at a gala ceremony to honour the finalists on Tuesday, November 5th during a live broadcast on CBC Television at 9:00 p.m. (9:30 NT), hosted by Jian Ghomeshi from CBC Radio One’s Q.

"What an honour. I'll be working on my night moves for Tuesday, November 5th. You betcha."

Monday, 16 September 2013

10 Tips on How to Write More Badly

1. Writing is an exercise. Everyone loves a fit writer. Spend some time exercising so that you look gooood in that author photo!

2. Set goals based on output, not input. Write more, read less.

3. Find a voice; don't just "get published." Even if your academic publishing record is thin, say as much as you can, often and publicly. This will make people want to publish you.

4. Give yourself time. Push yourself to the limits. Time how long it took you to write that last paper, then try to beat that time! Keep a record: it's satisfying to see your progress in numbers!

5. Everyone's unwritten work is brilliant. So don't bother to prepare for conferences. You can definitely wing it and still be awesome.

6. Pick a puzzle. Dump the pieces out on the floor. You might loose a couple, but just jam some from other puzzles into the gaps. No one will really notice in the long run.

7. Write, then squeeze the other things in. Citations, style, grammar, even content is secondary to getting the word count right!

8. Not all of your thoughts are profound. But they will help you maintain a following on social media! Frequency is essential to maintaining a profile and keeping in the attention of readers. Plus publishers love an active self-promoter!

9. Your most profound thoughts are often wrong. But it's okay to be wrong as long as you can be convincing!

10. Edit your work, over and over. Recycling your work is okay, as long as it's different enough. Change at least one sentence in every paragraph, two sentences when you're starting to gain some attention. It'll pay off; famous writers don't need to edit a word!

Jonathan Franzen Inks Deal with Rolex/New Ad Campaign Revelead

"Some people say they have no TIME for writing--I say 'Rolex helps me MAKE time'"
"I'm having the TIME of my life being a writer--who wears a Rolex"
"What time is it? Oh it's smartasfuck o'clock according to my Rolex"
"There's writing time and then there's SEXY time--Rolex understands my complexities"
"Hi again. I feel naked without my Rolex--and I don't LIKE to feel naked"

Friday, 6 September 2013

GP's Ongoing Series of the Rejected Passport Photos of Famous Poets

Official Rationale: "Two words: zit and lice. One more word: Rejected."
Official Rationale: "mthafker is smokin, okay? Rejected."
Official Rationale: "Jabba already issued a passport. Rejected."
Official Rationale: "This is outrageous and inappropriate self-promotion. Rejected."
Official Rationale: "This mthafka submitted a fkin sketch? Rejected."

Monday, 2 September 2013

Selected Gesticulations of the L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E Poets

"Squeeze... the Charmin"--Charles Bernstein
"The servi-bar was about this deep"--Lyn Hejinian
"These... my underlings"--Ron Silliman
"Antlered like so"--Susan Howe
"Etes-vous parler-ing to moi?"--Barrett Watten