G'Morning Poetry: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Jackson.
Peter Jackson: It's my pleasure.
GP: We'd like to get right down to it and ask you what you make of the generally negative response you've received from the public for your controversial new The Hobbit.
PJ: I'm not sure what you mean by "negative response" and I don't know what you mean by "controversial."
GP: By "negative response" and by "controversial" we simply mean that it appears that not everyone is happy about your applying of certain postmodern techniques to your adaptation of Tolkien's beloved classic.
PJ: May I ask what "postmodern techniques" you are referring to?
GP: Well, for instance, there is your meta-fictional decision to appear throughout the film as the Director with the Pale Hand.
GP: Is that so? What about, for instance, the scene in which you interrupt Bilbo's "Goodbye Hobbiton Soliloquy" and spread your hand wide and repeat several times to a potted fern "I am Peter Jackson, the Director"? What about that scene?
PJ: I don't th--
GP: No? Well, why did you make the bold--even outrageous--decision to have Gollum wear a virtual reality suit?
PJ: Gollum does not wear a VR suit anywhere in my version of The Hobbit.
GP: Hmm. Okay, so why does he wear a skateboard helmet?
PJ: He doesn't.
GP: Then why did you choose to forgo all CGI and even more audaciously rename Gollum as "Andy"? Why did you choose to call him "Andy"?
PJ: Again, he doesn't. Or I didn't and don't. And I really don't think you've seen the version that I made.
GP: Oh, I think we have seen it. I think we have. For instance, what about the scene in which you intervene with your Pale Hand and you steal Gandalf's pipe and then you stare directly at the camera--in xtreme 3-D--and you smirk at us?
PJ: I'm not familiar with that scene.
GP: Does your xtreme 3-D smirk mean "You just paid 12 bucks for this shite, suckers"? Is it a self-reflexive critique of the society of the spectacle?
PJ: No. There is no such scene. Thank you for the intervie--
GP: Please, Mr. Jackson, please at least tell us why you veered so drastically from Tolkien's text and made Bilbo's house so high-tech? Television monitors and electric lamps, Mr. Jackson? C'mon--it doesn't seem very Middle Earthy.
PJ: Bilbo's house is virtually the same as in the Lord of the Rings films.
GP: Seriously, though--was it breaking the fourth wall or something to have you and Soundman the Blue enter the Orc chase scene with the dwarves?
PJ: I'm finished. Thank you. Goodbye.
GP: Wait. Why in that scene did you show Thorin your two pale hands and say "Imagine a wide baguette"? Why did you say that? Why invoke french bread? Is that from the Silmarillion? Mr. Jackson?