New NHL Rule Punishes Fighting with Poetry

The NHL announced today its new "poetry" rule that will penalize fighting with a "five minute major penalty that will also entail the offending player, while waiting in the penalty box, reading Canadian poetry aloud." The new ruling has been met with outrage by both the NHLPA and management.

"This is an extreme ruling--and it's totally frightening," said Leafs' enforcer Colton Orr. "The five minute major is one thing but the poetry reading stuff is utterly draconian. I just peed my jock. Jeez--why don't they just have us walk over broken glass or swing hammers at our kneecaps instead?"

"Visors are one think," said Don Cherry during Coach's Corner last night, "but poetry is another think. It's not right and it feels European."

Despite the deep and obvious unpopularity of the new rule, it has managed to remove--in a single day--fighting from hockey. "No one wants to read Canadian poetry," said Leafs Head Coach Randy Carlyle. "This rule is completely vicious."

"Please take the Canadian poetry away--I promise never to fight again"--Colton Orr