Literary Family Feuds: Richard Dawson Remembers

"Pure panache--purrrrrr"*

The below is an excerpt--from the "Writers I Have Kissed" chapter--from Richard Dawson's forthcoming posthumous memoir Dead and Still Getting Some: My Wild & Raucous Years as a TV Game Show and What It's Like in the After-world Now That I Am In It:

 "I had many great literary families on the Feud over the years. I remember fondly, back in 61, when it was the Amises versus the Larkins. Poor Philip was rather outgunned. As I recall, there was Kingsley and Martin and three semi-hotties of third cousins--all quite erudite. And then there was Larkin, essentially alone, but for his four spinster aunts. In fact, it was hard to tell Philip--who was pretty much a human egg--apart from his female relations. They were also total idiots and Martin Amis kept 'in-yer-facing' Philip for the whole show, as I recall."

"The middle Sitwell sister had been to France, know what I'm sayin? Yum-my."

 "I can't recall much about the Bronte family's visit except that they were the most dour collection of raincoats I'd ever had on the show. I believe the only real highlight was when I read the name of one of the brothers--Branwell--off the cue card and to me it sounded like a cereal so I was all like 'So, Sir Bran-flakes...' Oh did the audience roar. It killed."

"Mmm... Loni--not a poet but she had a silver-tongue if you catch my drift. Tas-ty!"

"Perhaps the greatest literary show we did, though, was our 'Literary All-Stars' show. What a bazooka of good times that was. And the explosion started even before we began taping. But first, let me tell you who we invited: the Conceptualists Family vs. the Formalists Family. Seriously--just picture me standing between Vanessa Place over here and then Helen Vendler over there. Holy moly it was tense! These people wanted to WIN! Fer-o-cious! Anyway, it turns out that Bret Easton Ellis and David Foster Wallace were both incensed at not being included on the show and so they both arrived at the studio before taping--unbeknownst to the other--and, right there in the parking lot, talked a lot about maybe possibly soon having a fist-fight with each other. I got there just in time to kiss both of them. Boy do I have some sweetass memories. Goodnight, everybody."

"This woman--one-time essayist--was tall but my lips can climb if you understand my insinuation. Sa-tis-fy-ing!"

* all captions provided by RD himself